Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What kind of microphone works best for an oboe in a live band?
A cordless with a dead battery.
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
The alto has more body hair.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Lipstick and jewelry.
What's the best thing to play on a set of bag pipes?
A flame thrower!
If you are a stone's throw away from a bag pipe player what should you do?
Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
Our Lady of Spain.
How many contrabass clarinetists can you fit into a phone both?
Both of them.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
How do you get a guitarist to play slower?
Put music in front of him.
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
Why did the bass player get mad at the drummer?
He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What happens when you play a country song backwards?
You get your farm back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back . . .
What do deadheads say when they run out of pot?
Dude, what's this awful music?
As a birthday gift a father decided to get his son a bass guitar and some lessons. After the first lesson the boy's father asked him how his lesson went: "It went great Dad, I learned to play on the first 5 frets on the top string!"
The father applauded his son's efforts. The next week his father asked about the second lesson: "It was great Dad, today I learned to play the first 5 frets on the second string!"
His father once again applauded his son. The next week his father again asked about his lesson: "I blew it off . . . I had a gig!"
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes or until someone opens a door.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
Why do sax players prefer the alto sax to the soprano sax?
The soprano sax doesn't have a place to put your beer?
Why can't a gorilla play sousaphone?
Gorillas are too sensitive.
The conductor repeatedly asked the trumpet section to play with more dynamics.
The first trumpet player responded in frustration, "We're playing as loud as we can!"
What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic?
How do you get a music critic out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Musician: Did you hear my last concert?
Critic: I hope so.
What's the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer?
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.
What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?
A freight train needs a conductor!
Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because violins have no spit valve.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A fiddle has beer stains.
What's the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra?
About half a measure.
Once there was a violist who was so out of tune that his section noticed!
Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.
Why is the viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
Bassoon: a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments.
Concert: a place where people go to cough and sneeze.
Conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.
Counterpoint: a favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established.
Cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
Drummer: someone who hangs around with musicians.
Fermata: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Half step: two piccolos playing in unison.
Male quartet: three men and a tenor.
Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
Octave: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor).
Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.
Pitch: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music.
Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!
A conductor became very ill one evening just one hour before a concert and was unable to conduct. The orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute and the only person who was willing step in and conduct was the last chair violist. The violist conducted the concert and it was a great success. The conductor remained ill the following day and the violist conducted another concert that evening as well, getting a standing ovation. At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him ''So, where've you been for the last two nights?''
What do you call a drummer without a girl friend?
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
What sentence do drummers use the least?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute.
After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it.
He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.
What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer?
Someday the bond will mature and make some money.
Oxymoron - snare drum music.
How late does the band play tonight?
About half a beat behind the drummer.
What's the first thing drummers do in the morning?
The PLO has taken 90 accordion players hostage.
If their demands aren't met, they'll release one every hour.
In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy after beats on 7 and 13."
diddly diddly diddly
diddly diddly diddly
"Hey look, I'm Philip Glass!"
A vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"
Musicians and light bulbs:
How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they cannot reach it.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just steal somebody else's light.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
How many blue grass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to change the bulb and two to complain that it's electric.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to put in the new bulb and three to sing about how good the old one was.
How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, five, one, five, one, five . . .
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
"What? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey, I just do sound."
How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirty five. "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
An explorer was traveling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo."
- St. Louis
- Kansas City
- the highway
- a crossroads
- the jail house
- an empty bed
Not Blues locations:
- Disney World
- the mall
- gallery openings
- wine tastings
- a weekend in the Hamptons
- a Greyhound bus
- a southbound train
Not Blues transportation:
- hot air balloons
You can sing the Blues if:
- you shot a man in Memphis
- you can't be satisfied
- "The man" doesn't like you
- you're an old black man
- you're blind
- you play the guitar or piano
You can't sing the Blues if:
- you are a teenager
- you are from North Dakota
- you wear a suit
- you have an IRA
- you play the oboe
- Big Mama
- Joe (including Big, Old or Blind, but not Little)
Not Blues names:
- Julio Iglesias
- Barbara Streisand
- wine from a bottle in a sack
- Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
- muddy water (usually not for drinking)
Not Blues liquids:
- bottled spring water
- any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it
- mocha decaf
- kosher wine
Not Blues colors:
- woke up this morning
- you ask for water and yo baby give you gasoline
- ma baby done left me
- in a flea bag hotel
- stabbed in the back
- fixin' to die
Not Blues lines:
- while getting liposuction treatment
- after the a tennis match
- I'm a cheerleader
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.
When do banjo songs sound the best?
When they're over.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a banjo player's car?
Remove the Domino's Pizza sign from the roof.
How many strings does a banjo have?
Five too many.
Mark Twian's definition of a gentleman:
A man that can play the banjo and don't.
What's the best way to tune a banjo?
With wire cutters.
How can you get six banjo players to play in tune?
Only give one of them a banjo!
How is lightning like a banjo player's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
What's the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has a greater dynamic range.
What is the range of a banjo?
About 10 meters if you throw it hard enough.
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
What's worse than a banjo?
A man parks his car and walks into an office building. As he gets to the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes on the back seat of my car! He runs back to the car. When he gets there, he finds a window smashed out and on the back seat are two more sets of bagpipes.
Great Lies of the Music Business:
- The booking is definite.
- We can fix it in the mix.
- My agent will handle it.
- Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall.
- The roadie took care of it.
- The club will provide the PA and lights.
- The place was packed.
- Don't worry, you'll be the headliner.
- It's on the truck.
- My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album.
- Someone will be there early to let you in.
- I'm with the band.
- The band drinks free.
- You'll get your cut tonight.
- We'll supply someone for the door.
- There'll be lots of roadies when you get there.
- You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck.
- We'll definitely come to the gig.
- You can depend on me.
Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnipeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
Commandments for Concert Goers:
Thou shalt hearken unto the music with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, to aid thee in thine endeavor. Study thou thy program notes and hereby be sore fully prepared to garner the blessings of the inspired melodies which are about to be sounded.
Thou shalt not arrive late, for the stir of thy coming disturbeth those who did come in due season; neither shalt thou rush forth as a great wind at intermission time or before the end of the program; nor shalt thou trample to thy left nor thy right the ushers or the doormen or the multitudes that are about thee.
Thou shalt keep in check thy coughings and thy sneezings for they are an abomination, and they shall bring forth evil execrations upon thee and thy household, even unto the third and fourth generations.
Thou shalt not rustle thy program for the noise thereof is not as the murmur of the leaves of the forest but brash and raucous and soothest not.
Thou shalt not "yahoo" unto thy relatives, nor to thy friends, nor to any member of thy lodge or of thy household, nor to any of thy neighbors.
Thou shalt not whisper, for thy mouthings, howsoever hushed they may be, bring discord to the ear of those who sit about thee.
Thou shalt not chew gum with great show of sound or motion. Remember that thou art not as the kind of the meadow who do chew the cud in the pastoral serenity which is vouchsafed them.
Thou shalt not direct thy index finger at persons of public note and say unto thy neighbor, "Yonder goeth so and so," but reflect that some day thou shalt perchance be a celebrity, and thou shalt be in great discomfort when thou art pointed at and thou shalt not be pleased one jot or tittle thereby.
Thou shalt not slumber, for in thy stupor thou hast ears and heareth not; peradventures thou possesseth a rumbling obligato when thou sleepeth, and verily, the rabble may be aroused thereby to do thee grievous harm.
Thou shalt not become a self-ordained music critic and with booming voice comment garrulously about the players or the playing; neither shalt thou hum, or tap thy foot; for thou hast come as a listener and a lover of music, not as a critic nor as a performer, and remember that none among the multitudes has paid admission to hear thy hummings or thy tapings or to listen unto thine opinion.
"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." - Mark Twain
What's a tuba for?
1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut).
Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.