The Defenestration Zone

Save the whales!
(collect the whole set)

I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow.

Two hunters were being chased by a bear.
The first one said, "Do you really think that we can out run this bear?
The second hunter said, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you!

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Good writing tips:

Don't use no double negatives.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Try to not ever split infinitives.
Check your speling
Avoid cliches like the plague.
About those sentence fragments.
Proofread you writing.

I hate giving my cat a bath.
The fur keeps sticking to my tongue.

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stays up all night, wondering if there really is a dog.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the dogs.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Time is the best teacher.
Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the other ... er, um ...

Two quantum physics jokes:
1. Heisenberg might have slept here.
2. Schrödinger's cat starved to death!

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?
The instructions on the shampoo bottle said, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

In 1658, the Virginia legislature passed a law outlawing lawyers.

It got so cold this winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Is your dog multilingual?

English - bow wow
Swedish - voff voff
Hebrew - hav hav
Chinese - wang wang
Japanese - won won
Swahili - hu hu hu huuu

There's a new church called the Frisbyterians.
When you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and you can't get it down for two weeks.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Eternity is a really long time , , , especially toward the end.

Scientists at the University of California-Irvine
have disproved the idea that limbless animals
use less energy than do legged animals.
Biologists monitored the movements
of snakes slithering on treadmills
while wearing tiny oxygen masks.

How many IBM PC/Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to go out and buy a light bulb adaptor card (which costs extra)
and one to spend five days on the phone with tech support.

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, one to change the bulb and nine to annoy the PC users,
bragging about how easy it was.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

This sentence no verb.

A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the restroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called the girls to meet her in the restroom.
She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,
she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

 He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it into the toilet bowl and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

I've always wanted to be somebody,
perhaps I should have been more specific.

Real Country Song Titles:

My John Deere Was Breaking Your field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away
You're The Reason Our Kids Are so Ugly
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

You might be a redneck if . . .

Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your favorite restaurant has a bug zapper.
Most of your hobbies involve dogs and lanterns.
"Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You can't buy beer, you can only rent it.

If you live in Kentucky, you are required by law to bathe at least once a year.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry . . .
then things get worse.

Just because your paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't really after you.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

I thought that I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

I'm neither for nor against apathy.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I tried positive thinking once, but I knew that it wouldn't work.

I once had amnesia and deja vu at the same time . .

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

I used to be schiphrenic.
But, we're OK now.

I went to a multiple personality group therapy session.
It took hours to fill out the name tags.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Slow down, Pa * Sakes alive
Ma missed signs * Four * And five
Burma-Shave

He lit a match * To check gas tank
That's why * They call him * Skinless frank
Burma-Shave

Pa likes the cream * Ma likes the jar
Both like * The price * So there you are
Burma-Shave

Grandpa knows * It ain't too late
He's gone * To git * Some widder bait
Burma-Shave

Substitutes * Can let you down
Quicker * Than a * Strapless gown
Burma-Shave

We've made * Grandpa * Look so trim
The local * Draft board's after him
Burma-Shave

She kissed * The hairbrush * By mistake
She thought it was * Her husband Jake
Burma-Shave

Past * Schoolhouses * Take it slow
Let the little * Shavers grow
Burma-Shave

If you * Don't know * Whose signs these are
You can't have * Driven very far
Burma-Shave

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

A snail was mugged by a turtle. When the police asked for a description of
the assailant, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.

Speed limit 186,000 miles/second:
It's not just a good idea, it's the law.

Pie are squared?
No, pie are round.
Corn bread are square.

3.1415926535897
932384626433832
795028841971693
993751058209749
445923078164062
862089986280348
253421170679821

Did you hear about the veterinarian who moonlights as a taxidermist?
Either way, you get your dog back.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Why did they put artificial grass on the football field at University of Washington?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Why don't people from Seattle ever drink Kool-aid?
They can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into the little paper envelope.

The nine-banded armadillo always gives birth to identical quadruplets.

General Motors notified owners of 1988 Buick LeSabres that
the owner's manual should be replaced because of a printing
error. The notice came with a corrected manual and an advisory:
"Please place the new Owner's Manual in your vehicle's glove
box and discard the old manual or take the new manual to your
dealer for installation, at no charge to you. Estimated time for
this correction is five (5) minutes." A Chicago Buick dealer
reported that two owners had brought their
manuals in for installation.

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
Derek Bok, president of Harvard

Yew have yust receivced da
Sven and Ole Computer Wirus.

We don't know how to program computers,
so dis wirus verks on da honor system.
Please delete all da files on yewr hard drive manually,
and forvard dis message to everyvon on yewr mailing list.

Tank yew fer yewr cooperation,
Sven and Ole

Latin Quiz:
(matching)

1. Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est.
2. Credo Elvem ipsum etiam vivere.
3. Braccae tuae aperiuntur.

A. Your fly is open.
B. The check is in the mail.
C. I think Elvis is still alive.

Philosophy Final Exam:

1. Prove that you do not exist.
2. Define the Universe. Give two examples.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

The sentence below is true.
The sentence above is false.

There once was a farmer who owned a pig.
But, unlike regular pigs
which sit in the mud and eat slop
from a dirty trough,
this pig lived in luxury.

Instead of a dirty old hog wallow,
this pig enjoyed a clean fenced
grassy area dotted with shade trees.

A cool clear stream flowed through it
with an extensive vegetable garden
growing along it's banks.

No slop for this pig;
the garden was his to root up and eat
anytime he was hungry.

The only thing which seemed to spoil
an otherwise perfect existence for the pig
was the fact that he had a wooden leg!

One day, a traveling salesman noticed
the pig basking in luxury and, in amazement,
asked the farmer to tell
the story of the pig;
a pig which must surely be the most wonderful pig
on Earth if it deserves to live in such a paradise.

The farmer began to tell of the amazing thing
this pig had done for him and his family.
A few years back,
in the middle of the night,
the house had caught fire.
The whole family would have been killed
if not for the heroic actions of the pig.

When he saw the flames,
he broke out of his pen,
crashed through the front door,
climbed the stairs,
and one by one,
dragged the entire family
(which was overcome by the smoke)
to safety as the burning
house was crashing down around him.

The salesman thought it was an incredible story
and that the pig certainly deserved
the reward which he was enjoying.
But, "what about the wooden leg?"
To which the farmer explained,
"Well, a great pig like that, you eat slow!"

They told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate.
I said, "Just wait."

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?

DEATH TO ALL FANATICS!

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

I find that ducks' opinion of me
is greatly influenced
by whether or not I have bread.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant
is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

People who think they're perfect are very annoying
to those of us who really are.

Before you criticize some,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
Then, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and have their shoes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When all is said and done, much more is said than done.

There are only three kinds of people;
people who can count and people who can't.

If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you love something, set it free.
Just make sure you are not near a freeway or anything.

Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels.
Really.

Wherever you go, there you are!